greetings just toke the red pill...

(i speak spanish so excuse my Engish)

First let me specify that as most of us can identify I also suffered from a sort of social displacement because I could not understand why we did the thing we did since I could remember.

As a child I was uncontrollable always getting in trouble... but I never had a happy life even though I was accommodated quite stably. As a teen I grew up confused of my nature of how I was so loved by older people by teachers, preachers. But hated by my peers, because types of conversation were so...well too evolved for my age but as I grew up I  wanted to fit in a natural life you know to be normal, I excluded and detached from all those feeling of knowledge and inner belief  and forced myself to lie to myself and live a life of social falseness and materialism. That only sent me to a spiral of depression.

I  also have this feeling not being able to attached emotionally to anyone don't  know why but the weird stuff started about 10 months ago when  I began developing specificity  a lot of symptoms that define a star seed I was not aware what they were at the time. Then I stumbling upon that in my dead MySpace account (your free to look}...and saw a letter that I wrote  that sparked that thirst that I for so long kept hidden I will share it with you….

I wrote this when i was 17...

Why live if all your experiences and memories will be lost to a pointless gap...to nothingness...is there a real point to life? is our live just to assure the continuance of our species? Like evolution states? and that death is what keeps us from over populating the enclosed space that we populate...there has got to be more....more to the story of a supreme being (''god"') that created man but, for what purpose? Yes we have all heard the story of a being that spoke the words ''let us create man'' but for what? what inspired the creator to say those words... it just seems to me that he is playing some macabre game... like the way you would see the little ants going from here to there, and sometimes burning them with a magnifying glass...see the universe I have always thought its alive... just like a single atom that makes up the human body that does not know why its there the same goes for us I think... why can’t the universes existence be made of us...after all we act more like a virus than a mammal we come to a new place and consume all around us and move on its not supposes to be this way...maybe we are the result of a unbalance created my that supreme being defining a natural balance...it’s just that life is too simple like if we were being distracted but from what? I don’t ask for help but more like cooperation why? Because i am made from the same mater as the universe so i am part of the truth...i ask out of order if it is meant that way... and I stared my quest… 

Not finding answers in any religion I turned to atheism that worked out for a time but that feeling in my gut just would not let me at peace like I was telling myself that all this was a lie. Time pasts that feeling grew unbearable I plunged in to a search that leads me to understand so many things the strange part is that I sort of prepared myself unconsciously for these past 2 months of understanding like knowledge that the universe is a whole came to me from doing some basic astronomy then I just could not stop I went subject to subject like biology, cell biology and then basic genetics {{ I did not study years but hours a day none stop to now witch is scary since I never was good in school}} , then from there, the origin of life... that's where something just didn't fit like I knew this was wrong acceptable since I am a novice but then i began have strange thoughts, knowing information of things I didn't know how I even knew  .. then began placing a weird but crazy panorama like nwo, annunaki, pleading ascension, DNA activation, quantum physics  giving a glimpse of the meaning of life...whole of something and that nagging feeling of impending something.... I am scared and I don't know what to do...

To wrap this up I feel like 2011 has been my revolution of understanding… but

It’s like I am going numb like i am crashing confused. if this is real then I know some one will know or maybe feel what i am going through??? I pray that this is what I have been waiting for my entire life  every time i would look at the stars.... and feel so alone sort of like if I wanted to home... but I feel so frozen don't know where to turn.

 can anyone guide me or identifiy with me=?